New years eve

So we went to see dinky’s grandma on Saturday. We left the house at 8.45 got to London at 10.30 waited until 11.30 for dinky’s grandma to pick us up and take her back to her friends house. Her friend was there. She seemed nice enough but I felt really uncomfortable in someone else’s house. Dinky read her grandma a book and had some sweets then we went off to get dinky’s grandad and auntie, so we could go for a meal. We went to the harvester. Dinky was actually quite well behaved. Maybe it was just the excitement of seeing the people she really missed. Or maybe she just can’t behave herself for me.
We stayed in the harvester for 3 hours or so and then the grandmas friend popped in as we were about to leave and said she was going home having a cuppa and going to bed. So we left to go home at 4.30pm. I lugged the presents from the three of them back on the 2 trains and the bus back to ours and put dinky to bed.
So that was our day out

This year has been a disaster! Hopefully 2013 will be much better. To be honest it can only get a little worse! But it will be dramatically better considering we will get housed in 2013. Our own home, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to decorate dinky’s bedroom and for her to actually have space to play. It might make things better all round.

Going to London… (not to see my messed up relatives!)

Dinky’s grandma has decided that she should see her after all. Well, it is Christmas time right. It is the time when people actually decide that dinky does exist. Which I must say winds me up something chronic! The rest of the year she just has to get on with it.
For some reason the grandma think that because dinky is going to see her she is just going to turn into this amazingly behaved child for her. Bull! She has seen her once in the whole time since we became homeless and in that time dinky slapped the dog round the face, let the dog out of the car by a busy road, an off from them and generally misbehaved. Seeing as she got worse from the August I really don’t see her having much of a different way of getting dinky to behave in the 5 hours we will be there.
It is going to be bloody awkward for me because I don’t like unfamiliar places or people. Dinkys grandma is living with a friend since her husband left for Ireland. So we re presumably going to this friends house. Whether or not this friend will be there is not clear.
Then there is the added fact that the tube isn’t running properly due to engineering works. Which means an added 30 mins on our travel time. Which is not easy with a kid that gets easily distracted and refuses to listen to simple instructions. But dinky misses her grandma so I have to pay to take dinky there no matter what the hardship is on either of us while the grandma sits pretty waiting for us to arrive. It is a piss take if you ask me. The woman drives and it would be easier if they came here. But no, I have to put in all the effort for no thanks and for it not to be reciprocated.

As if I haven’t got enough going on at the moment!

Why is it people have this ability to get me to do what pleases them no matter what the cost to me and I just accept it and then get annoyed because I’ve agreed to this bullshit way of doing things?

It was the same with Christmas day. I allowed the other mum to get me to agree to spend Christmas together, cook and pay for half the food. The problem was that her husband works and was eating too so that’s two adults one kid and I’m only one adult one kid so how do I end up paying half when I don’t work? She says she will be up at 9am when we agree it and then Christmas eve she says she won’t be up until mid day and then gets up at 1.30 and I end up cooking the dinner with various disruptions so she can use my phone to call her husband and we spend about 2 hours of the day together. Not exactly what it was advertised as.

I really need to stop letting people walk all over me! How? No idea.
And the mental health nurse wonders why I don’t like people!
Maybe it’s because the people I get friendly with use me and drop me!


Long gone are the days where Christmas was all about the birth of Jesus. I was baptised Catholic, so now I’m atheist. So that doesn’t really other me.
So what is Christmas about these days?
The media portrays it as a time for families to get together and share gifts and a meal. Every advert not containing children’s toys is about the Christmas dinner and all the family around the table passing round potatoes and gravy.

3 weeks before Christmas I found out that we wouldn’t be spending Christmas at dinky’s grandmas as they were going to go to Ireland. One of the other mums said that she was going to be alone here at christmas because her husband was working at the airport. She said we should go halves on the dinner. I agreed and said I would cook.
Then 10 days before Christmas we get an offer to go to dinky’s grandad’s, he hadn’t seen her for 3 years, until August. She didn’t know who he was. I don’t think either of us would have been comfortable somewhere we didn’t know with people we didn’t really know. I would have been very aware that we were stuck there due to lack of transport on christmas. So I decided to stick with the original plan.
Christmas eve the other mum said she wouldn’t be up until mid day, and her husband was due home at 3.30pm. I was disappointed because knowing dinky she would be up early and it would just be us. I felt a bit used. So I was going cook little after she got up and then spend an hour or two after dinner with them, then spend an hour or two trying to get dinky to go to sleep then spend the evening on my own. That is not spending Christmas together!
Being in the hostel meant that my dad couldn’t come up because the rules state that no one is allowed to sleep over. Transport doesn’t work on Christmas day so he was all alone in his little room.
We got up at 5 am and dinky opened all her presents. We played for a little bit in the room and then went down to the communal living room. The heating was broken in there so it was cold. Dinky spoke to my dad on the phone, then her grandma. After she started getting upset. She said we didn’t have family at Christmas, she missed the little one we used to live with. She wanted to see my dad and her grandma.
I got upset because she was upset. Then I got angry. The person who made us homeless was undoubtably spending Christmas with either her mum and her housemate and daughter, or her dad, step family including mum brother and sister aunt and uncle and cousins. She would have a meal cooked for her, she would be away from the hostel she put herself in, and her kid would get spoiled rotten. Not even sparing a thought for the single mum she made homeless, and her daughter, and her father. No she makes us homeless and still gets everything she wants! Without meaning to sound like a child… it just isn’t fair, there is no repercussion for her yes she is in a hostel too, but she has her family. She spends most weekends at either house. She has gone back to work so she only really sleeps in the hostel. This I found out from a friend of mine who knew us both when we lived together.
The other mum didn’t get up until 1.45pm. I started dinner at 2pm. Her one job while I was cooking was to entertain the kids, and keep them out of the kitchen. I popped in to the living room as often as I could. But they still kept coming in and I was worried that be of the kids was going to get hurt. I served dinner at 4.30. Her husband turned up at 4.45. We finished eating at just gone 5pm. Put dinky to bed at 6.20pm and spent the evening on my own. So much for Christmas!

Next year we will have our own place and my dad can come and we can have a family Christmas. I know it is just one extra person. But he is the only family we need. I felt awful with him on his own for Christmas.
He was supposed to come up boxing day but the trains were not stopping at our station for some reason. So we won’t see him until Sunday. We are suppose to be going to see dinky’s grandma, grandad and auntie on Saturday.

So all in all a rubbish Christmas. However hard I tried, I let dinky down.

Dinky’s school

The teacher Mrs. N, she tries to keep 30 children happy throughout the day. The teaching assistant Mrs. H, well dinky says she is her best friend and does her best work for her.
It was the infant school performance today, I was so proud of my girl, she didn’t exactly do as she was told or follow the rules, but she sang and danced and was so happy, which made me happy and was on the verge of tears. I could have burst watching her perform. Sat directly in front of me was the play therapist. She pulled me into the play room and she asked about what we were going to do for Christmas. She was kind and said nice things but it is hard being here for Christmas. No matter how i try and tell people we will be fine, I don’t necessarily believe it. Dinky will be mostly happy, although this Christmas will be hard for her, its her first Christmas without the kid we lived with, it’s the first one she will remember with no contact from her grandma or grandad, it is her first christmas where my dad doesn’t spend the day with her. We have a little room so it will be difficult for her to play and I can’t help but think she deserves a million times better than what I can do. It doesn’t help that all the adverts are of happy, normal (ish) families all celebrating Christmas in their houses, with all the lights, decorations and smiles. Half the time I want to smash the tv, shield her from the reality this year. She doesn’t need to know that tons of families will all get together for the big day and have a big dinner and the kids run around the houses playing with all the new toys at once because they have the space to do so. She doesn’t need that. As much as I try to look on the bright side of it, we have each other, she will be happy she got everything on her list and she will see my dad for most of that week just not Christmas day because he doesn’t drive and transport shuts down. But the bad side does outweigh the good stuff. I don’t know how she will see it. I just hope she doesn’t remember it as she gets older.
I can’t wait for this whole experience to be a distant memory. One of those “yeah, when dinky was 4 we lived in a hostel, we spent christmas there on our own which was crap, but have had great Christmases ever since!”.