A whole new level of incompetence!

Will this ever change?

I very much doubt it!

Today’s pick up from school was beyond a joke!

Here is my draft letter to the head…

I am writing to you because I am concerned in a number of levels and am extremely upset and angered by events that occurred today,
1)The now and next is not being used at home time, which according to the I.E.P I signed, is when it is needed most. The last symbol on ‘next’ today was ‘lunchbox’, which also isn’t very handy as Dinky has school dinners and asked why she doesn’t have a lunchbox
2) Dinky was so wound up at home time, it took one word from me for her to throw a cup of pencils, hide under a table in x class and physically attack me.
3) I was shocked that head of early years felt the need to interfere in my parenting then ask if it was ok…. in front of Dinky

This in itself has a number of implications
1) I don’t appreciate being undermined in front of my 5 year old.
2) I find it astounding that one of your teachers would have a conversation where I could undermine her in front of a 5 year old she already finds, has an inability to follow direction, and has no understanding of authority.
Which put me in a very difficult predicament as I did not agree at all with what she was doing or saying, but I didn’t want to undermine her either.

Yes, Dinky was head butting my hip and hitting me. It was by no means over and borne out of anxiety that had built up during the day, and the fact that Dinky has worked the park into her end of school routine. She doesn’t have the tools to work out the right way to respond or how to take it out of the equation. I do not yet know how to help her with this. This is why the ‘now and next’ was put into place.
Head of early years demanded that dinky apologise and then proceeded to tell dinky (after dinky had said I don’t love her), that I wouldn’t love her when she is hitting me.

How DARE anyone tell MY child when I do and do not love her! That is not for them to say. I love my child NO MATTER WHAT! Especially when she is crying and anxious. The last thing she needed was to be told that I wouldn’t love her right then because she hit me.

I tell Dinky that I do not like the behaviour, but I love HER. She is not bad, her BEHAVIOUR is.

For an establishment that teaches children I’m astounded that this would be said at all! All children need to know they are loved at ALL times.

The worst time to discipline my child is when she is obviously upset. She needs to be calm in order to process the information.

It doesn’t get much better, I was then told to disappear round the corner. Aside from being made to feel like a child in front of my own child, Dinky is extremely bright, she knew I was hiding round the corner so she didn’t respond the way head of early years wanted her to. She then proceeded to physically hold Dinky. There was no need for physical holding, and it was at this point I was told she was held during the day against her wishes.

I have NOT agreed to this. This holding is tantamount to restraint, and restraint should only be used if truly necessary. Which this wasn’t. And I would like a full account of why Head of early years felt the need to ‘hold’ Dinky earlier in the day.

It is things like this, complete mishandling, that leads to a progression in the undesired behaviours.

On being held, dinky spat, both at me, and head of early years. If Dinky is held against her will she will get angry and frustrated and not be able to verbalise appropriately. If your staff get hurt in the process of an unnecessary restraint, then that is on them, and not the 5 year old.

Then my parenting was questioned.
“Do you give her consequences at home? It is what we are doing in school.”

Ok, again, undermining me in front of my child. Also, my parenting is not the cause of dinky’s issues. I am by no means the perfect parent, but you would be hard pressed to find a perfect parent anywhere in the world. Integrated services lady has already dismissed any parental cause, so has the GP who referred to the child development centre, to be assessed for Autism spectrum disorder.

I don’t know what part of this your school do not seem to be able to understand.
A GP generally doesn’t refer for no reason and the over run child development centre do not offer appointments if the questionnaires do not reflect the GP’s speculations.

I know dinky is new to your school, but I promise that this wont work and forcing her to ‘make the right choice’ when she is obviously in distress or not ‘herself’ is only going to make her worse.
How your staff are not aware of this is beyond me.

If the intention of your school is to carry along this route until I have it in black and white a year or so down the line, then I fear for Dinky’s well being.

Take this letter as an official complaint and I expect (for once) for correct protocol to be followed.
It is one thing to disregard the possibilities of autism spectrum disorder, treat their parent like a child and not understand the implications of undermining the parent or allowing an opportunity to be undermined in front of the child. However the worst 2 things are restraining a child (which is what it was, which ever way you dress it up) in front of a child’s parent with no cause and no consent, and telling a child that their mother would not want to love them when they are hit.

Yours

Dinky’s mum

I’m not going to send this as it is not the finished article, I am still far too angry and far too emotional about it to word it correctly.
But this was my school pick up!

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “A whole new level of incompetence!

  1. Words fail me….totally unprofessional behaviour!! Your email is strong and to the point , but its not rude….hope you’re both ok and tomorrow is better xxx

    • Thanks Maria,
      It would just be nice if things with the school just went ‘as they should’. Senior leadership agree and come up with strategies, early years ignores it and act disgracefully.
      I only tweaked bits, but the finished article is complete, and ready for the head tomorrow.

      Hope your little man is ok! Xx

  2. That is a really strong, professional and to the point letter that oozes with your intellect and knowledge of your daughter and her condition. Good luck and hopefully, at some point, the head and teachers will realize that you are an incredibly intelligent, competent and loving parent who is actually coping admirably with a condition that they just wouldn’t, as they have proved, know where to start with. I would respectfully ask that they do not interfere with incidents involving Dinky when you are there to sort them out given that they have obviously not, as yet, either studied or taken the possibility of PDA seriously. Preferring instead to go down the easy, lazy and predictable route of parenting and consequences. If only it were that simple we would all be rolling in clover wouldn’t we. Good luck matey 🙂 xxxx

    • Thanks Jane.

      I did edit it slightly and improve my points to make them clearer and polished the ending.

      The thing that riles me is that the head and senco seem to be semi-on board yet the teachers that are with her everyday don’t seem to be getting the message from above or are ignoring it.

      I am getting rather fed up of being blamed for how Dinky is. There are worse parents, much worse parents out there.

      I haven’t once heard any evidence that sensory issues, or other autism spectrum traits are caused by bad parenting!

      It is a joke.

      Thank you for you support,
      Especially when I know you are finding things. Tough yourself at the moment xx

  3. Loved your letter, thought it was very well written and made all your points clearly – and you are SO in the right; they are SO wrong! unbelievable. Hope they start listening and then maybe things will improve x

  4. Pingback: The school have really got my back up now! | Dinky and Me

Add your comment here...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s