Things have been pretty tough round here lately.
I had an assessment last week to do a 10 week therapy course linked in with my PTSD, and have been out of sorts ever since. I have been very anxious, and have been a little avoidant myself! It just gives me a little idea of what it is like for Dinky. If this is how she feels at the prospect of school, I honestly feel like an evil mother for sending her there.
The biggest problem this week is that’d we have both been pretty snappy (verbally) with each other. Which in Dinky’s case is acceptable, she is 5 and feels this way most of the time. I’m an adult, and her mum, I feel awful for snapping. We both have struggled with sleeping and she has ended up in my bed every night this week.
We did have some slightly better days (thanks to some awful behaviour at school… Now try telling me “But she is really well behaved in school”!) but swimming last night completely threw that. Again I found it harder to cope with her screaming fit/ meltdown. I feel awful because I slipped into that thinking that she actually had some control of her behaviour at that point. She didn’t, but I shouted at her to stop and just let me get her dressed, then I punched the wall while she was in the room. She didn’t like seeing me that angry. I wasn’t angry with her, it is weirdly part of the irritability that comes with the reemergence of PTSD symptoms. Normally I am able to hold it in until she is in bed and then find more constructive ways of dealing with the pent up emotions.
I know I am only human, but Dinky doesn’t deserve it. I have been trying so hard to support her when she is unable to cope with certain situations. I felt good about what I was doing for her. I hate the fact that something as stupid as an assessment was enough to derail it. Unfortunately this is mild, I dread to think how I’m going to cope with 10 weeks of “therapy”, while trying to get the school to pull itself together, trying to get answers through a diagnosis, and fight for a statement of educational needs. The integrated services lady has already voiced her concern about my well being. I don’t know where this is going to go.
I have tried all the tricks in the book, I even tried a few of Dinky’s more inventive excuses, but I’m stuck doing it as what they say makes sense, I just don’t know if they see how fragile I am, or I feel at the moment. Normally I pride myself on being strong. A fighter.
At the moment I feel stuck. Frozen. Like if I move it will be too overwhelming. Which is not good when I have about 3 loads of clean washing to sort, a kitchen which looks like a bomb site, Dinky’s paed appointment and so on and so forth… It is a bit too overwhelming in a time where I feel completely overwhelmed and trapped in my own head.
Obviously this is not good for Dinky either. We are kind of grinding out the days at the moment.
I do however feel ever so slightly better (ish) today and have made a start in getting stuff done, which includes coming on and blogging, as this is always the stuff that gets left out. I wanted this blog to be a true reflection of dinky and her battle with PDA and going through the diagnostic procedure, but also how having an anxiety ‘disorder’ myself impacts on parenting a child like Dinky, and how our lives are.
School may have something to do with my new ability to focus on the task in hand. Her new TA who has had her for an hour a day for the last week has decided “we have stopped doing phonics because dinky is a bit miffed by it, so we are reading instead, as she runs off and refuses to join in”, right… So another thing to have to sort out, but something that I can vent my irritability and anger toward! Also today after school Dinky is going to try out a sensory magic carpet! From what I can gather, it is an interactive touch mat which has lights and games ect. It looks pretty amazing. I also have the ASD group meeting tonight and as much as every fibre of my being is screaming at me not to go, they have a behaviour specialist with an open floor! It seems silly not to go for Dinky and try and get some advice. Even if I just listen.
This has been really rambly, if you got this far well done!
Hopefully I can feel more myself tomorrow and head into the weekend with a bit of vigour ready for the paediatrician on Monday…