As mentioned previously I have been attending group therapy.
I didn’t like the idea of it from the off. A group of strangers and 2 facilitators sit round and discuss the trauma. And I was supposed to talk, and add bits. Well I didn’t go this week. And I won’t be going back. As if my life is not stressful enough with a 5 year old with additional needs!
My mind has been working so hard to power my ability to block things out, that I have forgotten appointments, didn’t realise that Dinky had lost simba at her special needs group, worst of all, I haven’t chased the things I was supposed to.
I have let dinky down the last couple of weeks as I have been so stressed and lacking in brain space, that I have only realised how direct I have been after I have done it. I have needed space from her at a time where she needs me most as she is really struggling with school. We can’t both struggle at the same time. I have another TAC in just over a week and I have to be strong and push for things to happen. I’m sick of them saying she is fine when she isn’t. I am sick of them trying to make me out to be a neurotic mother, or a bad mother. I love Dinky, and tell her this everyday
I love you to the edge of existence and back again
She needs to have her needs met, and if they can’t do that, then they need to be honest and write down what she is like for the paediatrician and the consultant psychiatrist (if her referral is accepted).
I need to set some things straight!
1) I might not be the perfect parent, but Dinky’s difficulties are not a result of bad parenting, and I would appreciate it if her teacher didn’t make me feel judged every time I pick her up.
2) just for the record…. I DO NOT WANT dinky to have additional needs, and trust me, I would rather go back and work for the company that treated its staff like glorified slaves, than be here in all these meetings talking about how much my baby struggles. I’d rather not have to read about how badly she is coping at school, while we sit in these meeting and the school say “she has settled better”. Or try and get the school to put 2 and 2 together and come up with 4.
3) just because she has days where she seemingly copes better… it does NOT mean JOB DONE! Every good day she has at school or with someone else, the worse she is at home. So the more bruises I get, the more I get spat at and the more she screams. So don’t smile at me, because it means I am bearing the brunt of it! When she can cope better at school AND at home… THAT is when it is job done!
4) for crying out loud…. Can people please do as they say they will do and not wed me to chase you up all the time… You are the professionals.. ACT PROFESSIONAL!!!
I have been thinking so much clearer since I made the decision not to go back to the group therapy. I have my determined for Dinky head screwed back on. I feel selfish and guilty for being less than 100% for her recently. That is not going to happen anymore!
Today dinky went to watch a championship match with her special needs group. The club that hosted them apparently were wonderful to them all, they gave them all teddy bears. All 12 kids apparently coped very well with the 27,000 fans, and with the whole day. So that is two days in a row that she has coped in exceptional circumstances. There were a few little issues with noise, but she did well. Fireworks and football stadium back to back! I can not express how PROUD I am of my little monkey! Just when begin to gauge their limits and boundaries they push them beyond what you could imagine. Sure, next time she might not cope as well, I won’t pretend otherwise, but for now, she has done amazingly well and she makes me so proud I feel like my heart will explode!
She even took pictures today with my old camera… She loves taking pictures… I think I may post some of her pictures on a page of their own in the next few days.
I think this May be a little ramble, but it is a true reflection of where I am at at the moment with it all.
She took this herself 🙂