Demons and Dinky do not mix!

As mentioned previously I have been attending group therapy.
I didn’t like the idea of it from the off. A group of strangers and 2 facilitators sit round and discuss the trauma. And I was supposed to talk, and add bits. Well I didn’t go this week. And I won’t be going back. As if my life is not stressful enough with a 5 year old with additional needs!

My mind has been working so hard to power my ability to block things out, that I have forgotten appointments, didn’t realise that Dinky had lost simba at her special needs group, worst of all, I haven’t chased the things I was supposed to.

I have let dinky down the last couple of weeks as I have been so stressed and lacking in brain space, that I have only realised how direct I have been after I have done it. I have needed space from her at a time where she needs me most as she is really struggling with school. We can’t both struggle at the same time. I have another TAC in just over a week and I have to be strong and push for things to happen. I’m sick of them saying she is fine when she isn’t. I am sick of them trying to make me out to be a neurotic mother, or a bad mother. I love Dinky, and tell her this everyday

I love you to the edge of existence and back again

She needs to have her needs met, and if they can’t do that, then they need to be honest and write down what she is like for the paediatrician and the consultant psychiatrist (if her referral is accepted).
I need to set some things straight!
1) I might not be the perfect parent, but Dinky’s difficulties are not a result of bad parenting, and I would appreciate it if her teacher didn’t make me feel judged every time I pick her up.
2) just for the record…. I DO NOT WANT dinky to have additional needs, and trust me, I would rather go back and work for the company that treated its staff like glorified slaves, than be here in all these meetings talking about how much my baby struggles. I’d rather not have to read about how badly she is coping at school, while we sit in these meeting and the school say “she has settled better”. Or try and get the school to put 2 and 2 together and come up with 4.
3) just because she has days where she seemingly copes better… it does NOT mean JOB DONE! Every good day she has at school or with someone else, the worse she is at home. So the more bruises I get, the more I get spat at and the more she screams. So don’t smile at me, because it means I am bearing the brunt of it! When she can cope better at school AND at home… THAT is when it is job done!
4) for crying out loud…. Can people please do as they say they will do and not wed me to chase you up all the time… You are the professionals.. ACT PROFESSIONAL!!!

I have been thinking so much clearer since I made the decision not to go back to the group therapy. I have my determined for Dinky head screwed back on. I feel selfish and guilty for being less than 100% for her recently. That is not going to happen anymore!

Today dinky went to watch a championship match with her special needs group. The club that hosted them apparently were wonderful to them all, they gave them all teddy bears. All 12 kids apparently coped very well with the 27,000 fans, and with the whole day. So that is two days in a row that she has coped in exceptional circumstances. There were a few little issues with noise, but she did well. Fireworks and football stadium back to back! I can not express how PROUD I am of my little monkey! Just when begin to gauge their limits and boundaries they push them beyond what you could imagine. Sure, next time she might not cope as well, I won’t pretend otherwise, but for now, she has done amazingly well and she makes me so proud I feel like my heart will explode!

She even took pictures today with my old camera… She loves taking pictures… I think I may post some of her pictures on a page of their own in the next few days.

I think this May be a little ramble, but it is a true reflection of where I am at at the moment with it all.

She took this herself 🙂

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6 thoughts on “Demons and Dinky do not mix!

  1. Go Dinky! Great picture . Maybe she’ll be a famous photographer! Hope you get school to take notice soon. Dillon is now out of school and back in his behaviour support unit 4 days a week. He’s meant to go to school 1 day a week but only lasted 20 mins this week before melt down . Going to suggest to them he comes just till playtime next week. suddenly the pressure of being at school everyday has hit him again. Still no statement but I think we are crawling forward slowly ! Have a good week. Xx

      • I think the words I’m looking for are “god only knows!!!” I’ve had private speech and language assessment done. Still no ed psych from LEA but am chasing one the Speech lady suggested . I’m meeting my Senco muppet next week ( she asked for the meeting!) so I hope she has good news then. The fact that Dillon has hit rock bottom again after coping for 10 weeks should tell them something . It was just so sudden. Within a week it had all fallen apart . We are now looking at flexi-schooling until we get a statement . And then to top it all off nicely his mad rabbit died !! He really has had a s**t week, bless him.

      • Aww poor Dillon!

        So are you in the statutory assessment phase?

        I only ask because I am so nervous about the decision in the next week for Dinky’s statutory assessment.

        Hope all the meetings go ok, and that Dillon has a better week xx

  2. Oh my gosh, DM, I just read this this morning after posting a blog last night along the same theme of my own mental health alongside Bean’s! I have been saying for years I simply can’t address my own long-standing issues and reach some form of closure on them at the same time as being strong for Bean. She too is currently silently struggling at school and, as you know, we have a similar struggle with our school ‘not believing us’ which is a daily battle in itself. I am going to try and plough ahead with appointments but only if they offer me one to one and I can get my mum to have our youngest for enough time to allow me to settle my brain after each session. Otherwise I too will be useless to my children if i am not correctly supported in trying to recall the memories that I too unintentionally block out.
    I’m sorry it’s not worked for you to put your past difficulties to be this time round and I hope there comes a time when Dinky is more settled and supported to afford you the time and support you need to take care of your own mental health but I have to say it was comforting to know I’m not asking for too much for myself to address my issues at a time when I perhaps can afford to take my eye off the ball for long enough with Bean, ie when her own needs are being sufficiently met and her behaviour at school AND at home (like you say!) show this. I also value your thoughts on this group therapy crap that seems to be the first point of call for adults seeking mental health support at the moment as I strongly feel this is NOT what I or Bean’s dad need and yet we have both been offered it!

    Hope your stronger more determined state of mind continues and that you do eventually get the opportunity to help yourself/be helped properly soon!

    L x

    • Hi Lucy,

      Group therapy was all that was on offer, unless I wanted 6 sessions of 1:1, which is not enough by anyone’s standards. I was told the mental health team would discharge me if I didn’t at least try their offer of group.
      The biggest problem with group is that the facilitators are much like our children’s teachers, if we seem to be coping in the sessions then they don’t enquire as to how you are doing with it all, you are just left with your own thoughts. 1:1 is much better as they offer you the chance to tell them how much you are struggling, and they can give some immediate advice, or work through it. Group has an agenda every week.
      I won’t be doing group again.

      I think it is possible that I may have been able to continue longer if I had 1:1. Unfortunately this is only available to those that can pay £15 a week for the privilege. I think once we have a diagnosis, and a statement, I will think about trying again.

      I think you have to do what you feel is right for yourself and your family. If you think you can handle an ‘mot’, that’s great.

      Please do not be put off by my latest experience, everyone is different. I do intend to try again but 1:1.

      Hope yourself, Bean, hero dad and little boy are well

      X

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