A post from the depth of sleep deprivation

I touched on Dinky’s sleeping habits in my last post. Things haven’t got any better.
I have always been the type to like my sleep especially as I have had sleep issues related to the PTSD.

So for me this is pure TORTURE.

I fluctuate between being absolutely exhausted and having that ‘second wind’ ‘over tired energy’.

Of course it affects how I parent dinky. At the times of absolute exhaustion at least a third of my PDA parenting strategies drop put of existence. Try thinking about rewording when only half your brain feels like it is actually functioning and it feels there is a slight possibility that any actual thinking could lead to me not carrying out vital bodily functions such as breathing! No, in all seriousness, the hardest thing is trying not to allow my short temper to show while being that tired. I really fight to keep my temper under control. I vent and rant, but in meetings and with Dinky I am calm and thinking all the time about what my actions look like. I obviously do not want to ignite a meltdown through shouting at dinky, but it has happened this week. I have been so tired I have shouted, I have even done stupid things like take her iPad away for not listening to a word I said while taking the dog for a walk. She NEVER listens when we are out on a walk with the dog, but I was so tired I actually almost left her on the field as I didn’t make sure she was with me. It was only when we were in and she was throwing stuff around her bedroom because I had taken the iPad away that I realised that it was indeed my fault and not Dinky’s, but I couldn’t think in that moment.

Dinky was invited to a birthday party today, the little sister of one of her only friends, however this morning had been hard enough to get her to come walk the dog, she wasn’t up for a party, she didn’t want to be in a room with strangers. Which is fair enough, I wouldn’t have been particularly comfortable myself. In the end I gave up when she stepped up e demand avoidance and messaged the mum to say we wouldn’t be there. A dinky meltdown, my tired approach at stopping it, and both of us being extremely uncomfortable in a room full of people we don’t know is just a new version of hell, I was a little gutted, but also a little relieved, which is harsh as I like the mum and children, I would have done it if it wasn’t for the pure torture these past few weeks have been.

Another aspect is the added stress which just makes the whole thing a lot worse, and the whole prospect of chasing up professionals becomes something of a dilemma. If I do call them I will amass new bruises and will have lost my calm demeanour as I’m sure that is the hold up for not doing anything about the fact that I’m a single parent with a challenging child with additional needs who can’t go to school and I have next to no support whatsoever. (My dad has helped a little, but has equally caused as many issues, other than him, I have had 12.5 hours of respite in 14 weeks. 10 hours were in one week.)
If I don’t, they will assume that I am coping and leave me to it still.

Either way I come of losing!

The stress of everything else hits me as everything difficult in my life has so far, I get waves of despair, of hopelessness, and of pure anger at the crap hand I’ve been dealt… Then I suck it up, I work out what my next steps are and go from there. The hardest thing is not knowing what steps to take, or being stuck and not knowing what is happening.

So far I have spent just over an hour writing this… I have been interrupted 4 times.

1) dinky asking if sky needs a hug
2) dinky needing a drink and food
3) Facebook notification
4) dinky wanting to know if we are going anywhere tomorrow.

No doubt she will be down again, and be up at the crack of dawn.

Last night she finally dropped off at 1.30am, but then snored so loudly I wasn’t able to sleep until 3am.

I’m going to try and go to bed before her tonight and hope she let’s me sleep, I have tried to explain that I will not be as grumpy and will be able to play better with more sleep, but I am not sure that will make a difference as her need has to be satisfied there and then, she won’t stop because it might be better tomorrow.
I am going to try again with the melatonin when I can get some for her, see if that makes a difference, and then speak to the consultant about it at her diagnostic appointment in 2 weeks.

THE DIAGNOSTIC APPOINTMENT IS IN 2 WEEKS!!!!

I will fight for dinky with everything I have… Now, I must sneak off to bed to start phase 1… Being allowed to be in bed before midnight!

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2 thoughts on “A post from the depth of sleep deprivation

  1. I find your blog very uplifting. My undiagnosed daughter is 11. My other 2 are 7 and 3. I invariably fall asleep whilst I’m getting the wee ones to sleep, so I manage to get a good 2 hours sleep before tackling the eldest. There is no way I could physically stay awake for the same amount of time as my eldest. Your blog is one of my main lifelines, thank you.

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